Lube The Mind

I usually don’t offer you the “Shit Yourself” Guarantee on stuff. Maybe you haven’t eaten in a day. Maybe you’re backed up. Maybe you have incredible O-ring control and you’re able to fend off the urge to shit yourself no matter what the scenario. Like, if a guy stuffed Metamucil and chili down your throat for an hour, then spent the next hour punching you in the stomach, you still wouldn’t shit yourself.

Well, my tight-anused friend, I’d like you to meet Blake Peebles, a 16-year-old whose parents let him drop out of school so he could — clench up tight — stay home and play Guitar Hero. (I recommend you read this article before continuing)

Look at that. You shit your pants. Told you. I’ll let you get yourself cleaned up while I list everyone you will hate after reading that story:

• Blake Peebles

• The parents of Blake Peebles

• Matt Ehlers, the writer of the story

• The editor of Matt Ehlers

• Society

First off, Blake Peebles can go fuck himself. I know, I know. If you were 16, and you were given the option of either going to school or staying home and playing Super Tecmo Bowl all day, you’d most definitely prefer dominating with Bo Jackson all freaking day.

But wouldn’t part of you realize you can’t make a living off playing Guitar Hero? That maybe mastering Guitar Hero isn’t the road to financial success and stability? That while chicks will bang anything in a band, a dork playing a video game based on being in a band isn’t the same thing?

Oh, what’s that? You can win prizes? Oh, well what are they?

“Among the prizes he’s won playing “Guitar Hero” tournaments: gift certificates, gaming equipment and chicken sandwiches.”

Well, shit. If I had known I can eat chicken sandwiches for the rest of my life because I was so awesome at Duck Hunt, my life would be completely different right now. Because I’d probably not be into girls. I’d be into the people who watch Peebles play Guitar Hero at the mall.

“But in the end, it’s not the people related to Blake who confirm his plastic-guitar prowess. It’s the group of 20-somethings sitting at a nearby table, who applaud when Blake finishes playing along to “Through the Fire and Flames,” viewed as the game’s toughest song.

“It’s pretty sick,” says Andrew Gambling, 27, who describes himself as a casual player. “He’s talented.””

If only Andrew Gambling (Cool name, though) would describe me as talented, my life would be complete. Because the only thing that keeps me going now is the hope that some dick in his 20s who loves watching teenage boys play video games would consider me talented.

Let’s rewrite that paragraph and make it more identifiable for people from our generation, just to check and see if it makes more sense or seems cooler.

“But in the end, it’s not the people related to him who confirm his Nintendo controller prowess. It’s the group of 20-somethings sitting at a nearby table, who applaud when he finishes beating the Bills in the Super Bowl while using the Browns, viewed as the game’s toughest matchup.

“It’s pretty sick,” says Andrew Gambling, 27, who describes himself as a casual player. “He’s talented.”

Nope, still totally gay.

But hey, Blake Peebles, as gay as he is, is 16. Fuck, when I was 16, my goal was to masturbate to Pamela Andreson until I came dust. Everyone’s an idiot at 16. Let’s turn our attention to Blake Peebles’ parents, who by the way, have a son named Blake Peebles.

“This is not a competitive environment, so the score hardly matters. But his attitude about it underscores some Peebles family truisms: Blake is so dedicated to gaming that his parents let him quit school so he can better concentrate on it.”

Here are some other Peebles family truisms:

• Blake is so dedicated to masturbating, we bought him a Real Doll.

• Blake is so dedicated to hating his classmates, we bought him a gun.

• Blake is so dedicated to not showering, we rub onions on him every day.

Sixteen-year-olds, for the most part, aren’t good at things that translate well into careers. Heck, even 16-year-olds who are athletes aren’t earmarked for success. Think of it like this. Let’s say your kid is the best basketball player in his county. And let’s say he’s 16. Do his parents let him drop out of school so he can play basketball more? Fuck no.

If an athlete can find time to be awesome at basketball and still graduate high school, my guess is Blake Peebles can find a way to get his homework done at school while mastering skills on a fucking plastic guitar. Holy shit, man. How insane is this story? Charles Manson read this story and said, “Fuck. This is nuts.”

Do we have any more gems from the parents? Oh, you fucking bet we do. Here’s the blood diamond of all the gems. The mother, Hunter, tells how this dropping out of school shit came about.

“We couldn’t take the complaining anymore,” says Hunter. “He always told me that he thought school was a waste of time.”

Seriously. Does North Carolina have some sort of state board that takes kids away from parents? They must, right? “We wanted him to take the medicine for his disease, but he kept complaining about it. So we let him stop taking it and he died. He thought the medicine was a waste of time.”

But here’s the best part. Matt Ehlers, the accomplished journalist in the story, points out that yes, if you’re an awesome gamer, companies like Major League Gamers pay the top players in the country $80,000 a year. But the average salary? It’s between $20,000 and $30,000. How good is Blake Peebles? Heck, let’s ask Blake Peebles.

He guesses that he’s probably one of the top 15 or 20 players in the country.

Must be great. “Hey, local reporter. I guess I’m one of the top 15 to 20 masturbators in the country, even though there is no real ranking system and it’s extremely difficult to prove anything I’m saying, and shit, masturbating isn’t really a sport or anything to be taken seriously. Come do a story on me.”

Is anyone else seeing the problem here? He’s not the best. He “guesses” he’s top 15, which means he’s probably not top 15. And even if he is the best, he’s looking at an $80,000 a year salary. But we know he’s not the best. He said so. So basically, since their son was disliked in school (social misfit) they let him drop out and play video games all day. I’m sure developing social skills with your peers won’t be as important as being awesome at Guitar Hero. No. Seriously. Great life choice. Good luck living your dream of never speaking to anyone and probably making $35,000 a year while eating chicken sandwiches for every meal.

I nominate the Peebleses as parents of the year.

-adapted from Dave Lozo